And for sure, I could write a chapter in my memoirs listing those I have lost in my life. It is not new, but recently, it seems more important.
Initial reaction, I’m certain, is going to be something in the vein of, ‘if they’re not dead, they are not gone forever’. But I’m still grieving now. So, that’s not true. And I understand I sit in selfishness wanting everyone I think is important to want to give me their time and their thoughts and their words. I understand how terribly myopic and self-serving I truly am.
I started thinking about the words I’m using with this situation. I am grieving another relationship. Interaction I have in relation to another human being. This word grief is defined as a deep sorrow. Depending on the source, it is frequently accompanied with the qualifier, especially when caused by death. I’m not going to mince words and spirit, but it did seem easy for me to hyperbolically use the word grief. Admittedly, I use shock value to emphasize my words. But something finally feels erroneous about tossing grief around. I went a little deeper. Sorrow is defined as a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or misfortune suffered by oneself or others. That’s almost it. The synonym dejection was on the page. Dejection is sad and depressed state, low spirits. I think I am dejected. And perhaps it is so close to seeing the word rejected on the page that I’m connecting to it. I am in a state of dejection.
In the past couple months, I have lost a couple people. And it’s not the first little bit of my life that I have lost people, but it’s been a significant couple who are either gone for good, or gone for a bit, and without being too much of a myopic baby, I shed days of tears.
I probably should not zero in too deep, but one of the people I lost was one of my children. I am in a predicament with her that I cannot fix. I am trying to find a mediator for the situation, and have been a failure. And here I considered using the word unsuccessful, but truly I have failed. I have failed over and over again and perhaps have never been successful with providing any life skills to this child. It is deeper than a lack of success, but a complete and utter failure.
I have a friend who moves in and out of my life with periods of silence, but never has it been deafening before. He is not even telling me that he needs a break from me, which is different than it had been in the past.
Someone left this past summertime over a misunderstanding of words. I’m too stubborn to try to clarify. (There is an expression about burning bridges and a response about unwillingness to grab a fire extinguisher- Maybe I’m the one with the match, and maybe I’m the one with the fire extinguisher?)
This most recent one is hard. And maybe I’m just not finished crying about the loss of my daughter, so this one compounded my feelings of dejection? It is not my intention to cause anyone pain and the reasoning that someone separates with or without notice may or may not come with weighty thought?
So then yesterday, tears were dry for a couple hours and my brain was trying to unravel these feelings to make sense of them. My head was trying to define words so that I could lay out all the intellect amongst the emotional and reason how to honor the feelings but use rationale to return to functionality. And when I say functionality, I mean to say that it could be restoring some or all of these relationships, or very much severing ties so that neither party needs to be in a situation causing pain.
So, what is the point of all this? Boo-hoo! I’m fucking sad!? I’m mad at myself for feeling it and irate that I have to say it. I have caused this. Through a series of events, I am ultimately responsible for me. I live in the consequence, which is sometimes not pleasant.
I suppose that is all. I have work to do. Physical, emotional, and intellectual. I don’t feel better having gotten these words out of my head. I don’t feel better for having obsessed over the tears I have cried for the past month and a half. I don’t feel better for any of it. I am selfish and I want it fixed. I want to feel better, but more than that, I want to know that those people for whom I care know that they are valued and valuable.
Stupid losing battle with dejection.