Keep moving forward. What’s done is done. Leave it in the past.
So often this sentiment of looking ahead is said with this idea that what’s behind us should stay in our memory. But; straight to the point, I am exactly who I am in this moment in time because of the collection of experiences in my history.
In reflection, there are many things I do not like having experienced. And with a humble veracity, I confess, I have not always been the best.
However, there’s quite a lot about the chick in the mirror that’s delightful. And there are pieces of her personality or habits of hers physically that aren’t exactly forgotten, but better said, no longer practiced.
There’s a bit in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern where the title men discuss how different their friend of young is, saying he no longer resembles himself inward or out. Then later, commenting on his madness, say the words, “there you have it…!”
By truth, I no longer resemble myself. Inward or Out. And my madness is all I have somedays.
To be clear, there was no day of the past eighteen thousand that I was fully content with body and mind or any of the roles I had. Daughter, sister, friend, lover, mama, partner, neighbor, stranger….. whomever I am…. There’s no pinpoint of a moment that I want to restore. But there are pieces of me that should not be left behind.
When was 40 I said I was halfway through, not expecting to reach 80. In these past ten years, I have fought for my life, threatened to end it, and justified having one. And every year, I use the word, “halfway.” So I guess I’m not done yet. And it feels like I’ve been a thousand persons experiencing a thousand lifetimes. Things I don’t like and things I like very much. Things I never want to do again, and things I want back.
That’s where the restore is. That’s the restoration.
Do I make resolutions? Probably. Confined to December end and January begin? Not likely.
I do however confine this word of mindfulness to the calendar year. Reflecting on the year I just came from, and the year I’d like to have, the word this year is restore. And although the details are very personal, my intention is to get back all the things that make me unique and lovely and nourished – body and brain.
I’m gonna restore this girl.