I tried to warn people and some thought it was a joke. Others thought something triggered it. Just my brain. Just my body. Just my feelings. Just me.
AND THEN> while taking a pill, i realized in a flood of mindfulness, that my medications have been changed! It's chemical. I'm slow. I told people for a week and a half, 'i'm taking 8 pills a day now.' and 'witht he ibuprfen for the headache, i took 9 pills this morning.' I made jokes about getting a pill caddy with the days of the week on it. And then followed up with, 'the thing will just be another [empty] box to carry around. i'll never remebmer to replenish it for the days. Why didn't i realize immediately that the meds were the thing?? I really don't know.
However, it was liberating and calming to understand that there was science behind the mood and not some jerky emotion that crept through the cracks of the unwatched and crumbling buffer wall, built brick by brick through the years.
So this morning, i'm getting through. i'm drinking coffee with a dog on my lap and panicking that my day is going to sweep by without any accompllishment. And then i remind myself that i had that revelation yesterday. I am sitting not only with canine and caffiene, but a mindfulness. By that very truth, i cannot move through this day without accomplishement.
This blog. These pages of me are me freestlin'. Seriously, i pull up the page when the whim strikes and i type. There may be spelling errors, grammar errors, inconsistancy, whatever... it's all me. this is the strings of words falling from my brain through my fingertips into the world. Freestylin'.
Now, understanding that the crankiness coming out from within is much like this stream of consciuosness writing. I can alert everyone to some triggers but if they [you?] choose to draw it in... well, that's you. i hardly control what comes out of me, but i certainly control what i let in.
This pancreatitis. I've changed my eating habits. If i take in the wrong foods, my body reacts with discomfort. So too with the bullshit of life. This is not to say that i'm completely in control. I'm frequently impressed with people's ability to walk away from nonsense. I still have some ways to go with this skill. But, i can contol what i put into my body, my mind and my heart. (i said it... science, intellect, and emotion - the trinity of nourishment.)
I control what goes in. not necessarily what comes out. But, here's my thought. If I put better things in. Better things come out. Simple right? Why has it taken me half this time to figure that out?