Buddists learn, Do not say/feel, I want something. Release the ego (I), release the desire (want) and you have the something.
I've been reflecting on these two ideas recently at unrelated times. But this morning, I wondered if these ideas are related.
My son is shipping out in less than a month. I have planned to visit him but the money i wanted to use to pay for the trip had to be used for something else. No problem. I'll figure it out. More expenses, and time ticks away. Additonal worries about the journey... pocketbook is still light. And this past week, yet another finncial obstacle occurred. I was mad (both crazy and angry), because with this obstacle, I was not treated with value. My money was not valued and my feelings were not valued. I am left with that not enough bit.
It is important. I've reflected on what i have - count your blessings, not your bruises and all that - but it's difficult when there is so much that i don't have. This week i felt done. I felt spent. I felt like four cents when i need to be a nickel.
Nickels. My niece said, "When you have the nickels, you don't have the time. And when you have the time, you're short on nickels." Again, "true."
So this struggle, both in my head and in my purse is necessity versus desire. I have a want to see my son before he goes. I have a want to take my daughters and mother with me. I have a necessity to pay for these things. It's not as simple as releasing any of that. I need to take this trip. I need to show my son that he is important. I need to illustrate and facilitate this important thing. He is important.
And I'll do it. My son in fact said, "You always figure how to get the things done that need doing." True.
So the difficult part. Analyzing why I'm in this situation. (My brain won't have it any other way.) If i have, i am willing to give. Partly because i have had the kindness of others rained down upon me. Partly because i understand i avoid my own wants and needs.
I'm going to leave this here for now because i have more questions than answers. I'm in the curious stage and in no position emotionally or intellectually to work out the resulting growth that i'm sure will come.