A liar lies to protect themselves or for personal gain. (otherwise its sociopath shit) This was told to me by a liar of great skill. -- Lied enough that he believed his words some days.
This morning I stirred... Not going to say I woke because I'm not convinced I slept. I stirred and counted the hours until I was to attend a movie with the film fest. My ticket was given to me generously by someone I think I will label acquaintance who seems to want to be a friend. Acquaintance. I thought hard about the relationship between he and i and truly it is only that we have been acquainted for a few months.
So i have this ticket to a show i wanted to see and the 'special instructions' on the order even said, 'make sure she enjoys herself.' Now, the person who sent the ticket in my name did not plan on going with me and did not suggest he would me meet for the show.
Looking so forward to twelve hours of movies today at the festival and coming to the realization that i couldn't bear to get up to see even the one that was already paid for pretty much sums up the state of my brain today.
In my life, I've been assualted - physically, emotionally, verbally, psycologically, sexually - i suppose in everyway imaginable. Last night was another - um - incident. And this morning i worked through the lie i had to prepare to hide what happened to me last night and the reason i could not bear to be in the light of day.
But why am i lying? i was victimized. If i dont' lie, then i have to disclose why i didn't go to the movie. So, "Movie was great! Thanks for the gift!" Easy enough.
A few months ago, I decided my nanowrimo project would be Liar; an exploration of abuse. In the past few days, I had a brilliant wave of inspiration and feel excited that i have a project that may be condusive to finishing a piece in which I will take pride AND can actually share with others. I can't explain how lovely it feels not to have the unease that comes each time I think of the exposure possible with the heavy project exploring my feelings about enduring abuse. Until this morning when I realized I have to start spinning lies to hide again being under the thumb of abuse.
I'm sore physically, torn emotionally and have to wake up and be around people. I lied first to myself (I'm fine. I'm tougher than this. It wasn't that bad. I can and have endured worse.) and then given the opportunity to say, 'i'm pretty far from okay,' lie again and say, 'i'm fine,' aloud.
But it's not fine. I have a rage inside me that builds up and comes out comically with words of a huff n' puff or a cuss n' fuss, depending on the severity of my anger. I don't think i've ever assaulted anyone. My brain just poked the words, 'assaulted one's character?' and i nod to admit to myself that maybe i'm no better than the others who squeeze their fingers around my neck and arms or push me down so that i can't move while my brain swells with situation diagnosis and my vision blurs until i'm an animal just like the one assualting.
So I lie. I lie and tell myself i didn't deserve the attack or that i deserved exactly what i got. I lie to others to hide where the bruises originated or why there is a tear in my eye. And i lie to people with reasons I don't meet commitments. Today was the first day i considered lying to say that i was someplace i wasn't. I just figure it's easier to say, 'I went. it was good. thank you.' than to explain, 'i'm dumb having put myself in another situation where someone hurt me and as a result, i'm a fucking quivering mess of a scared little girl.'
When someone is bruised, it doesn't toughen up the muscle or the skin making it more difficult to bruise the next time. In fact, it weakens the integrity of the muscle and creates a greater chance of getting bruised from a lesser impact each time.
I'm tired of the bumps and bruises. I feel like at this point in my life, i haven't got any fortitude left. i feel like every little thing is triggering a memory, not to mention the inability to deal with any physical harm. I've got no buffer left and everything hurts.
So i have these old friends who seem to have abandoned me. Maybe i'm too black and blue and they don't recognize me? And i have these new acquaintances with whom i feel i have to set parameters - well, so i don't get bumped up.
I'm angry with myself because it took so much to accept the ticket to this show and i coudn't bring myself to go. i am still on the fence about lying or breaking down and saying i had a personal issue and couldnt' attend.
Today while i was at the train station, a man i have never seen before and probably will not notice if i ever see him again said, "Miss, you dropped something." I responded, "No i didn't," with all the indifference i could muster. To which he replied, "It's your smile, sad girl."
And walking to the window to buy the pass that will carry me back and forth to work all week to see the show benefactor and the person who scratched and bruised me i realized this train-station-stranger's words would make any normal girl pick up her smile. A smile is free, it doesn't cost a thing to smile. (The movie i saw opening night of film fest even had a reminder of that little addage.) But today, it does cost something. It costs my dignity and my integrity and that smile is a lie. There is another adage, 'i say i'm fine because explaining why i'm not would not be understood.' Well, i'm not fine. And it's hard to remember a time when i was.