I took time with every part of my skin and when i was finished, i even put lotion on and painted my toenails.
There is something freeing about being clean.
My life is NOT clean. ... i just agonized over the things i could list to illustrate the dirt and scum in my life, culminatinating in importance until i crescendo into my head. None of it matters. it's just a list. Just a list of all the things over which i have no control. I lie and tell myself that life is dirty and therefore it is no different in my shirt and in my shoes than anyone else.
I am in fact a dirty mess. But, if someone curls their lip in snarling judgement of my inside or out, i know they are just as dirty. Except in my brain.
I've struggled with some physical illness for months now. I think i finally have a good clue of the trigger and finally am on the road to recovery. So i had a good few weeks of productivity with getting stronger - until -
Internally i'm groaning, as i sort through the words to explain this bit. I've long relinquished the embarrassment of the situation and have entered into the exhaustion of experiencing the cycle. I'm tired of my mental illness. I'm tired of accepting it. I'm tired of seeing it creep in. I'm tired of living in it. I'm just tired.
It's taking it's toll on my body and it occured that my inability to deal with extrenal stresses triggered internal shut down. I was in pain physically as well as emotionally. If i could liken it to anything, it would be to cutting. When i hurt so much that my brain forced me to see something on my body to reason the pain, my hand went to work opening my skin in places it ought not be open.
My body was on grand scale shut down. (Thanks brain!) Emotionally i felt like i could not handle one more thing and i left my life and stopped doing everything i had done to survive. I was in hiding. And then i was given this one more (horrifically painful) thing with which to deal. A wave of good and bad days had me coping. I blamed my body and not my head.
But I digress - a little more than a week ago, some things became clear. In talking to my doctor after an illuminating discusssion with a friend, i saw that my immobility was the beginning. and i'm somewhere in the middle of the whole mess, so reasonably, i just needed to be present and keep struggling through the dirt until the end presents itself.
This is the 'until' part. With the revelation i was good for a couple days. I was handling it all. And then, the depression set in. And it crashed into me hard. It defied reason again. One of the worst things I ever heard while going through the wave of anxiety was, 'if you know what it is, you 're almost out of it.' Depression is the same. NO Just NO! > just because i recognize it, it does not get 'easier'. In fact, it's terribly discouraging to know that it's this awful dirty mess showing up again. It's the kind of mess that is in your back room and you just close the door instead of throwing junk away. (it ALL just needs to be tossed away.) The ugly dirty pressing thoughts junking up.... everything....
So, taking a shower is a pretty big deal. When it's all i can do to wake up and get myself dressed in clothes appropriate for the day. There is something about it being the one thing within my control. (I can at least clean the filth from my skin) And as much as i know that being clean is a huge step in holding my head up and walking a little straighter and washing the angry intolerance down the drain.... i just can't be clean some days.