he's kicking my ass emotionally both by challenging me and agreeing with me. he laughs at my dissertations on the madness within because i seem to know all the things needed to move forward in a normal - but i am compelled to challenge my own thinking and push the limits of my own mind and spirit causing this cycle of undisciplined chaos.
he gave me some homework round one. easy enough. buy a book and read it. an unquiet mind. i have one. no problem. every experience this woman had i could relate to. i got the final chapters where she is accepting of her mental illness and trudges through knowing she has to follow the medical advice to keep the chemicals in her brain balanced while fitting in with her lifestyle.
i could have written a two hundred page book in the time it took me to read this. i say that to illustrate this: i'm a total chaos junkie. i heard this expression on a tv show and felt like those words describe me without judgement. [i'm talking about my own brain judging myself for a few reasons too complex to put into comprehensive sentences here.] and i'm sharing this struggle i had with reading the book really to get to the core of this matter. this doctor, through a smirk, asked how i felt while reading the author's words. i told him i'm not ready to tell him how i feel, but i told him what i thought of the experiences she shared. and when i explained that i thought many of her experiences were parallel to my own, i realized that there is the possibility of similarities in all unquiet minds. he explained she became successful after regimenting her medication. i pointed out that she appeared to be successful in her professional world, met someone who was willing to walk beside her in the noise, and when she was alone, she agonized over the chaos within her. the outward action remained unlike her inward spirit.
the doctor laughed aloud at my summation and when i asked him why he explained he had never heard an interpretation of the author's apparent success with such pessimism and cynicism. i intuit as he has never seen.
so he gave me another bit of homework. a list of 4 things this week. [3 of which i already failed]. the book this week is called a first rate madness. i have that too. he's picking titles that appeal to my sense of humor at least. [there is comedy in the tragic crazy i possess.]
so i sigh heavily, not having purchased this book yet, although i have a commitment to at least read the homework. [with lethargy, i persist in trying.]
but this heavy sigh i have. the one that comes in response to someone asking the question, 'how are you?' - this heavy sigh is a filter for my words so that i don't reveal the fear i have deep inside. the feeling part that people are asking. [the part i don't want to share because i want to singe-handedly change the priority of concern from heart to head.] honestly, and without mincing words, i am afraid. i'm scared that balancing the imbalance will not make me normal, but crash me directly into boring. if there is one thing i don't want to be, it's boring. and i don't give a fuck what others think of me. i don't want to bore myself. i'm terrified of the physical side effects of experimenting with meds. i'm prescribed a low dose of something that finally works both in my brain and in my life, and i don't even take it on a regular basis because of the fear. reading the account of the gold standard in meds sent me into panic and i had to close the book until i forgot what i was reading and had to read-over some pages to keep on with it.
i'm tired of being sick, but i've spent so long accommodating the aches and pains of both body and mind, i'm afraid of being well. i'm afraid that i'm going to long for the chaos - i'm afraid i'm going to peel the skin off my body for exposure to try to feel when this shroud of sanity protects my actions from my thoughts. i'm fear being well.
the author expressed the very same fear. she was afraid of being uninteresting. she used that word - uninteresting. one of my favorite people says, 'normal is boring'. [along with a few other things he equates to boring.] i feel like i will never be normal. and i'm accepting of that. but to be well- to not have the chaos- let's forget the thoughts, because even on regimented meds, i have the bad dreams and chaos in my thoughts. to control my actions, the outward man - i fear the boredom.
there is the reasoning that fixing the mind will fix that craving for madness. but at this point, if i'm honest, i'm already thinking about ducking out on my next appointment with the good doctor [which will ban me from the practice for 2 years] because i'm not ready to let go of the crazy yet. i don't know who i am without it.