Writing in a Row House
​
  • Writing in a Row House
  • Heating a Home on a Hot Plate
  • About
  • Contact
  • Read Some Fiction
  • Book Reviews
  • Bio
  • Get Updated!
  • Professional Services

Like a Brick

4/23/2018

1 Comment

 
    I was swimming.  Not floating, but swimming.  I started struggling yesterday late and i sat to reflect on the things i wanted to get done this weekend, and the things i had accomplished.  I felt like i did nothing, because i have this monster of a mess i have to sort through.   I literally did eighteen other big things that needed to get done in my life, but not the monster.  
    Today, i'm exhausted.  The kind of exhaustion leaving my vision blurring and my mind foggy.  The kind of exhaustion where i'm afraid to blink, because my lids are too heavy to open again.  
    I have my gym clothes in my bag.  it's been three weeks and i'm pleased to say that i'm riding about ten miles each time i go, which has been four times a week.  I feel like i'm getting fatter.  I was told that seroquel puts weight on some.  I've been reading all the side effects again and i realized it's not the medication i thought it was.  I'm wondering if the half life of this is contributing to this exhaustion today.  There are sexual side effects and irregularities in sleep/wake patterns as well as the slowing effect to the metabolism.  I'm an eater.  So i'm sitting and eating for energy instead of taking a nap.  I can't take a nap.  i'm at my place of employment that provides, if nothing more, fancy dog food and health insurance.  
    And then five minutes before i started writing these paragraphs, i felt it.  the tears welling up in my chest, trying to meander their way around my body so i don't notice them making a path to my eyes.  I don't want to cry.  I feel like I've been slammed down with this invisible force.  It's depression.  I know what it is.  I've done this before.  
    I don't want the swing into the darkness right now.  i can't deal with this.  (which is making this weight heavier.) 
    There was a song a hundred years ago, or three lifetimes, i can't remember when - this song had lyrics, She's a brick and i'm drowning slowly off the coast and i'm heading nowhere.  She's a brick and i'm drowning slowly.  I feel both like the she in the song and the he who feels the suck of her weight upon him.  Another song just rotated into my ears with lyrics, I"m lonely and i'm tired and i can't take any more pain.
    I don't want this cycle anymore.  i'm so tire of it.  i'm tired of crying about it and feeling helpless.  My medication is making it better, but i'm hardly well.  Am i going to keep going?  Yes.  Am i going to be miserable for the next few days with a quiet longing for my blankets and sleep.  A hundred percent. 
    I'm in a place in my life where things are better around me and for me.  I kind of hate myself for feeling all of these things... the brick and the thing being weighed down, lonely and tired with an inability to take on one more prick of pain. 

1 Comment
Joanne
4/23/2018 04:04:23 pm

It’s crazy how your words describe what I think about myself sometimes

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture
    Picture
    When Sevy realizes the pharmaceuticals keeping their bodies young are weened from those deemed to have exhausted their usefulness, he believes he must delve into the purpose of this synthesized society believing it is not much different than the life he lived on earth. 
    Picture

    Esther Elizabeth Buck

    i'm halfway through my life with the stifled stories stirring.  i should have done it earlier, but i am on the
     write path finally.

    Archives

    March 2021
    May 2020
    June 2019
    May 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    August 2016
    May 2016
    January 2016
    October 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    October 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.