Today, i'm exhausted. The kind of exhaustion leaving my vision blurring and my mind foggy. The kind of exhaustion where i'm afraid to blink, because my lids are too heavy to open again.
I have my gym clothes in my bag. it's been three weeks and i'm pleased to say that i'm riding about ten miles each time i go, which has been four times a week. I feel like i'm getting fatter. I was told that seroquel puts weight on some. I've been reading all the side effects again and i realized it's not the medication i thought it was. I'm wondering if the half life of this is contributing to this exhaustion today. There are sexual side effects and irregularities in sleep/wake patterns as well as the slowing effect to the metabolism. I'm an eater. So i'm sitting and eating for energy instead of taking a nap. I can't take a nap. i'm at my place of employment that provides, if nothing more, fancy dog food and health insurance.
And then five minutes before i started writing these paragraphs, i felt it. the tears welling up in my chest, trying to meander their way around my body so i don't notice them making a path to my eyes. I don't want to cry. I feel like I've been slammed down with this invisible force. It's depression. I know what it is. I've done this before.
I don't want the swing into the darkness right now. i can't deal with this. (which is making this weight heavier.)
There was a song a hundred years ago, or three lifetimes, i can't remember when - this song had lyrics, She's a brick and i'm drowning slowly off the coast and i'm heading nowhere. She's a brick and i'm drowning slowly. I feel both like the she in the song and the he who feels the suck of her weight upon him. Another song just rotated into my ears with lyrics, I"m lonely and i'm tired and i can't take any more pain.
I don't want this cycle anymore. i'm so tire of it. i'm tired of crying about it and feeling helpless. My medication is making it better, but i'm hardly well. Am i going to keep going? Yes. Am i going to be miserable for the next few days with a quiet longing for my blankets and sleep. A hundred percent.
I'm in a place in my life where things are better around me and for me. I kind of hate myself for feeling all of these things... the brick and the thing being weighed down, lonely and tired with an inability to take on one more prick of pain.