But i have a feeling of darkness hovering over me and inside my belly. I shake. I haven't been eating very much because my pancreas keeps screaming out in pain at every meal. Something doesn't feel right physically or mentally.
So I sit and cry. And I can't stop the tears. I washed dishes and threw away some old papers. Finished a short story. Texted an old friend. Ate the rest of the cookies. But I'm crying. And I can't stop it.
My mom used to find me sitting alone and fussed at me to stop crying and wash my face. She always said, "You're making yourself sick." And, even though I couldn't stop the sickness - I couldn't stop the crying - I washed my face over and over again until the towel could dry both the water and my tears.
But today I'm alone. I'm alone in my house with dogs that are nipping at each other and cranky for whatever reasons dogs get cranky one with another, and with every movement of theirs, I'm shaking. But it's not because of them that I'm shaking. It's my insides. It's something that I feel in my belly today. Not physical. Not medical. It's not my pancreas today. And it doesn't even feel like my broken brain. I am hurting without any escalation of life situations. I am in unstoppable pain without any new blow to my person. I am not sad. I am alone. But this is crazy. This is madness.
I have a movie script I have been working on for a couple weeks (maybe months?) about madness and today when I opened the file to type in some notes I made on paper with pen, I couldn't. I couldn't transcribe words from one page to another. I was incapacitated by the very idea of coping with the madness today.
I see light piercing the blinds in the front window. I want the sky to cloud up and grow dark so that I can run an errand without being accosted by the sun. I have dark glasses that will hide my eyes, but still i don't think they hide enough. And today I'm hiding. Because I don't know how to cope with this unease inside me. I don't know what to do to cut it out of me. I don't know if it's a part of me that I can live without. How do people who don't have debilitating madness get through their days?
I'm sitting in tears alongside the brand of crazy labeled batshit hoping that no one will know but also hoping that someone will see and help me.