Recently I used the word WE to make a declaration, including the word ALL, which I fundamentally know to be inaccurate. I detest those who speak with absolute statements and writhe in self-loathing when i find, on rare occasion I've done the same. I said, WE ALL... and then covered my faux pas with an indication I was speaking of a small familial group instead of including my companion as she was aghast with offense. To my very grim and tearful surprise, within the hour and without my notice, my companion ducked out on me and left me alone at an event I would not have attended without her invitation.
WE. It's an easy enough concept.
My life has turned gradually and painfully from WE to ME regardless how I contort myself into the confines of tolerance.
I encountered the word WE in my bipolar homework. Kay Redfield Jamison wrote, WE all move uneasily within our restraints. I wondered who is her WE? Without defining her intention, I feel as though I am a part of this restrained grouping to which she refers. I feel stifled and strangled and continue to struggle with.... everything.
In doing this homework, which is little more than preparing myself to be receptive to mental healing by reading experiences of bipolar disorder, I continue to encounter these moments of clarity within the fog. It's a strange thing to read of my experiences with alternate details - like an odd dream with the head of one friend on the body of another. But it reminds me that I am part of a WE. And with an illness leaving me and my thoughts alone so frequently, it's somewhat comforting to know that there are others out there.
In my life, I've surrounded myself with others who have similar distaste for everything with similar cynicism or pessimism (depending on their labeling). Birds of a feather and all that.... It's the WE to which I belong.
We all move uneasily within our own restraints. My life seems a series of undisciplined intemperance and immodesty. However, living in and out of my head, I assure you it is quite like being trammeled in bindings. Between retreating when others are ready for me or intruding when they are not ..... i'm immobile.
And in looking for the right words to describe how I feel about this WE I read this morning, I return to being stuck in immobility - within my own restraints. Or the chaos of my thoughts.