The end of 2015 came and I was mindful of this li'l blog. I wanted to write the last thing for 2015 that was like the last bite of food. --That sumptuious morsel reminding of the pleasures some time later.
The beginning of 2016 is here. And I want to write those bits of words that energize and motivate - reminding me of why I keep this online journal to keep me going for three hundred sixty five more days - and the possibility of sharing some inspiration with the few folks who read the words I string together.
The fact is, i've been overwhelmed with just getting through my days. I've been moving forward for sure and can see some of my accomplishments. I've been too busy doing to record what i've done. And ceertainly too busy with doing to complain about not getting done. So that's something. And it may not be important to anyone- hell probably not even important enough for me to remember if I haven't got it in me to record it with an entry! But it seems like it is.
It seems REAL important that i'm actually functioning to the point of exhaustion. I'm not only surviving, I'm thriving. I'm facilitating days for those around me to be functional. I understand the banality of waking and making coffee and sliding a twenty into my daughter's pocket so she can have a plate of sushi after school; but there were days when just those normal things seemed unbearable in my world.
So I'm here again, three days late with so much gratitude and recovering from the debilitating anxiety attack yesterday evening with a need to share - not just my words, but everything!
The beginning of 2016 is here. And I want to write those bits of words that energize and motivate - reminding me of why I keep this online journal to keep me going for three hundred sixty five more days - and the possibility of sharing some inspiration with the few folks who read the words I string together.
The fact is, i've been overwhelmed with just getting through my days. I've been moving forward for sure and can see some of my accomplishments. I've been too busy doing to record what i've done. And ceertainly too busy with doing to complain about not getting done. So that's something. And it may not be important to anyone- hell probably not even important enough for me to remember if I haven't got it in me to record it with an entry! But it seems like it is.
It seems REAL important that i'm actually functioning to the point of exhaustion. I'm not only surviving, I'm thriving. I'm facilitating days for those around me to be functional. I understand the banality of waking and making coffee and sliding a twenty into my daughter's pocket so she can have a plate of sushi after school; but there were days when just those normal things seemed unbearable in my world.
So I'm here again, three days late with so much gratitude and recovering from the debilitating anxiety attack yesterday evening with a need to share - not just my words, but everything!
And I'm thinking about this squirrel. That one in the photo. For months now I've taken the train to a job I'm struggling in which to find meaning and acceptance (internal!). All mornings, I stop to get coffee before the train and most mornings I see this little survivor. He (or she?) darts out of the honeysuckle and jumps onto the rim of the trashcan to pull out a brown paper bag, unwrap the crumbs and scoot back to his place in the trees.
Now, I've never dug through the trash - and if you are reading this and have, I"m not judging in the least - but i've hidden in my own trees, waiting until i'm confident enough for exposure and then gone to care for the necessary and retreat again, whether it's into my home or into my head.
This squirrel seems important.
I'm just not sure why and to whom. I don't know the place to which she runs with the bite of bagel, or the whole blueberry muffin she swiped when I laid my bag to the left checking the time.
And on mornings like this, when I just settle into the routine of waking and feeding a dog and having some coffee, i wonder what tiny little morsels of importance I'm displaying and for whom.
I'm dragging my own bagel crumbs, even if it looks like I'm sweeping them up.
Now, I've never dug through the trash - and if you are reading this and have, I"m not judging in the least - but i've hidden in my own trees, waiting until i'm confident enough for exposure and then gone to care for the necessary and retreat again, whether it's into my home or into my head.
This squirrel seems important.
I'm just not sure why and to whom. I don't know the place to which she runs with the bite of bagel, or the whole blueberry muffin she swiped when I laid my bag to the left checking the time.
And on mornings like this, when I just settle into the routine of waking and feeding a dog and having some coffee, i wonder what tiny little morsels of importance I'm displaying and for whom.
I'm dragging my own bagel crumbs, even if it looks like I'm sweeping them up.
New endeavor for 2016:
I've started an account with Patreon and I even put a button up there on the right hand side of my page to get there. (You can also click here if you're interested.)
I hesitate in asking for money for my writing. It's a weird thing. When i freelanced, one of my clients said, 'you charge less than some and do an excellent job - you could get more money.' But then, I explained, freelancing and ghosting becomes more important than my own work. I need to stay focused on my work. I need it to be important (for me).
Having said all that, Patreon is a crowdsourcing site and it's going to do what i need for it to do. It's going to require me to keep a commitment. I'm going to post a chapter and reward supporters with more chapters as well as other gifts. Some folks are using this to support their lifestyle. I"m not presumptuious enough to think that it's going to be that big; but i want the give and take to be mutual. Folks pay 12$ for a story in a movie theatre - if they stay with me for the very lowest tier of support, I'm committed to giving a story to them. I want 2016 to be a sucess in this venture. I want it to keep me motivated to write - not necessarily with deadlines, but to finish something without manic rewites or depressive insecurity.'
For anyone who had read this much of me today, I thank you with sincerity for sticking with me and look forward to a continued exchange in 2016 - me writing and you reading.
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