But more than anything, I'm sitting here this morning/afternoon, with too little coffee, too much headache and an aroma in my nose that I just can't forget.
WE WRITE THIS STUFF
BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GET IT OUT
NOT ASSURE SOMEONE DRAWS IT IN.
Yesterday, I read a blog from someone that has been an inspiration to me. There were things in the posting that I wanted to cry out and let the author know, ME TOO! And I realized that this communal vomit of words and emotions is introspective as we provide sentiments externally because we have to get it out. We know that others experience similar circumstances. But we don't wait for confirmation that we feel. We write this stuff because we have to get it out, not to assure someone draws it in.
Yesterday I struggled with not having enough. For days before I worried and blamed and internalized my inadequacies and then I gathered up the supplies I needed to move forward and I took some first steps. I still sat lacking, but I felt accomplished by moving in the right direction.
Yesterday I was afforded the opportunity to help someone. Tired and cranky I put on my sneakers and intended to do my part. I was met with opposition and I was angry and disappointed and disgusted by the behavior and the results of behavior that I was witnessing. I was insulted and unwelcome and left the situation. My personal history and struggle with mental illness allows me to understand the situation. It also encouraged me to help. And with mixed emotion I can say it was the reason I walked away without a resolution to the problem.
And I sit here the next day in clarity. I understand that I'm in the same situation as both the blogger who recognized the difference between living in chaos and the joy found currently in their life is recognizing and treating themselves differently. I understand that I'm in the same situation as the immobile person who pushed me away living in fear of exposure for the inadequacies life has provided them.
I thought 2014 would be the year of success for me. I turned 41 years old on 1-4-14 and thought for sure there was something very special about being so close to the answer to life, the universe and everything. And now, so close to approaching 2015... Well, I just have no idea.
I feel like I've struggled this year to move forward and have been beaten down harder than in previous years. I'm still moving forward though and have some expectations for the new year.
Honestly, there are days when I want to give up. Today could easily be one of those days. I don't think it is the day I give in to that feeling though.