My therapist revealed to me that I have a difficult time both with people unable to see my value and also noticing it. I want to be recognized for the job I do, but without spotlight. In other words, I feel when I deserve accolades I have the expectation to receive them with discretion.
And it occurs to me now that with these two very different ideas, I subject myself to teetering in the middle - and mediocrity is something I cannot stand in the least!
So, I'm looking at the things I have done in my life and putting it on paper for others to see with the intention of pointing out the exemplary job I've done. It's complete boastful exposure. But if I don't highlight my best work and demand value, no one will see it and give it to me.
I have this askew expectation that I will be treated fairly without demanding it until the situation is so far unbalanced, I'm gasping for air as others are holding me under the water so they may float above me.
And in looking at this resume - this snapshot of what I have achieved in my life, I beat myself up for not having more - not having more financial, emotional and intellectual stability. I beat myself up for not having a stronger foundation and a greater voice because somewhere, I feel like there is a match to the efforts I'm putting in to my life. But then I'm reminded of the unbalance wanting accolades with an unannounced discretion. And that's not how it works. If one wants to achieve greatness, they need to have a grand and mighty voice and presence. But also, they must be strong enough to receive and display the honors bestowed upon them for such exemplary behavior. Without having the strength to receive these valuable things, there is a diminished value set upon the worth of oneself. And when one does not feel worthy, one cannot be worth anything to others.