Putting my words out there though - the stories - Having my words rejected hurts. It fucking hurts. This wasn't even something that was written. This was a verbal story. I was critiqued. I expected to be critiqued. I was told I had erroneous information. I was told that it was okay to admit that i didn't know something. But i do know stuff. i fucking know stuff. So, i didn't get that job. Big deal. I don't get lots of jobs.
I don't know why this is hitting me so hard. I've been on a six month plus run of rejections. People who have been in my life, people who are knew to my life. And this job search is killing me - emotionally, financially, physically, and probably most importantly, intellectually.
To sum up my job interviews this week past, I had one at a casino for customer service, I wasn't the right fit. I had one at manufacturer where they claim I need a different skill set for an accounting position. I have worked accounting for 20+ years. I went to the supermarket to apply as a cashier. I was told I wouldn't fit in. And then the tour guide position that seemed promising but I was given an email bullet-pointing too many wrongs to right. This is in addition to sitting on my computer and sending out resume after resume with responses indicating that i don't meet qualifications for one reason or another. I sent out prospects for writing jobs - something I used to count on when I needed to busy my mind and earn some cash. No responses. I can't tell if the silence is better than the definitive rejections.
i don't know why there is a perception that i hold my shit together. i don't. there are few in my life who know that i most certainly do not have a handle on anything. I am useless and I am nothing to everyone i know.
As a writer, I'm telling myself, 'rejection is motivation'. But i'm tired. I'm tired of not fitting in to the constraints of want in society. i'm tired of being not wanted - for all of the reasons. And to clarify, it's not a tired that makes me angry and change... it's exhaustion. i don't know what i am doing wrong to fix it.
I can't take care of the things I need to care for. I can't find purpose in anything that i am doing on a daily basis. There is really nothing that I have experienced that has prepared me for this onslaught of rejection, and i'm not strong enough to weather the storm.