I've been thinking heavily in the past few weeks on not quite fitting in. My most recent introspection of being an anomaly started with a neighbor in philly south. She had seen me fighting outside in a pretty heated exchange and the next time i saw her, i just said good morning and smiled as i always do. She of course asked if i was okay [from the fight] and i stopped with my grocery bags to talk to her. First she said that she did not know i had that fight in me. And after the discussion of strength, she said the thing I've heard so frequently in my life, "You don't fit in around here."
She asked me about my education and where I lived prior to locking my door in this row house and a myriad of other questions to find a little more about a neighbor who has an air of difference but looked to find the things that made us similar. (I suppose she was looking for a connection with the oddball girl as much as she does not understand her.)
Finally, I stepped away from her after expressing unequivocally that regardless of the person one thinks is walking before them, no one ever knows for sure the person that is behind the locked door.
Now a few weeks later, I had an exchange with some family members during a large gathering and the message that I received was that i was not quite like anyone else at the table. In the past i suppose it could be referred to as a black sheep. At the table sipping on a glass of scotch it was as if i was on stage and did not know my lines. Truly i do not think the things i say or do are unusual. I had a friend who once said to me, 'you talk like the things you say and do are completely normal, but nothing you say or do is.' My response was, 'it's not normal, but it is completely regular,' and with a longing to fit in to the normalcy, i finished my sentence with the words, 'in my world.'
This week, [one or two] nieces used the words unique and different to illustrate that the painting i was doing [and hating] was unlike anything they had known. [in other words, it's peculiar aunt essie, just like you.]
So i left them and i was reflecting on all the times folks in my life said things to me that did not just make me feel like i didn't fit in, but said the words, 'esther, you do not fit in around here,' questioning my position in their world.
In school, i recall someone asking me what i was. 'dude, you know what i wanna ask you?' i turned to find football player with a furrowed brow and perplexed look in his eye, 'what are you?'
In work, 'I don't know if you missed your calling or if you just are in the wrong place, but you really don't fit in here.'
Even at home, 'No one thinks like that and no one does that.'
I had a joke with my Lucy that i was mainstreaming when i would do things normal folks did. But I was never certain if the things in which i engaged was all that normal or just the habitual acts of my regularity.
So, the resounding message I receive from so many people around me is that i don't quite fit in, and it's not that i try fitting in to places, and maybe that's the thing that sounds the loudest with the folks i surround myself. I don't know how i feel about any of it. And I certainly have not drawn a conclusion about what i think on it either.
She asked me about my education and where I lived prior to locking my door in this row house and a myriad of other questions to find a little more about a neighbor who has an air of difference but looked to find the things that made us similar. (I suppose she was looking for a connection with the oddball girl as much as she does not understand her.)
Finally, I stepped away from her after expressing unequivocally that regardless of the person one thinks is walking before them, no one ever knows for sure the person that is behind the locked door.
Now a few weeks later, I had an exchange with some family members during a large gathering and the message that I received was that i was not quite like anyone else at the table. In the past i suppose it could be referred to as a black sheep. At the table sipping on a glass of scotch it was as if i was on stage and did not know my lines. Truly i do not think the things i say or do are unusual. I had a friend who once said to me, 'you talk like the things you say and do are completely normal, but nothing you say or do is.' My response was, 'it's not normal, but it is completely regular,' and with a longing to fit in to the normalcy, i finished my sentence with the words, 'in my world.'
This week, [one or two] nieces used the words unique and different to illustrate that the painting i was doing [and hating] was unlike anything they had known. [in other words, it's peculiar aunt essie, just like you.]
So i left them and i was reflecting on all the times folks in my life said things to me that did not just make me feel like i didn't fit in, but said the words, 'esther, you do not fit in around here,' questioning my position in their world.
In school, i recall someone asking me what i was. 'dude, you know what i wanna ask you?' i turned to find football player with a furrowed brow and perplexed look in his eye, 'what are you?'
In work, 'I don't know if you missed your calling or if you just are in the wrong place, but you really don't fit in here.'
Even at home, 'No one thinks like that and no one does that.'
I had a joke with my Lucy that i was mainstreaming when i would do things normal folks did. But I was never certain if the things in which i engaged was all that normal or just the habitual acts of my regularity.
So, the resounding message I receive from so many people around me is that i don't quite fit in, and it's not that i try fitting in to places, and maybe that's the thing that sounds the loudest with the folks i surround myself. I don't know how i feel about any of it. And I certainly have not drawn a conclusion about what i think on it either.
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