Today, I received an email with a request to join my email notifications and updates. I used to do these emails from mail chimp. The templates were groovy and I could string even more words together to send out to the handful of people I decided wanted my messages as well as the few strangers who sent me their addresses through this site. I haven't done the emails in years.
The fact is, it's a big deal to get the thoughts I have in my head to come through my fingers recently. I blame whatever i can - my job, my meds, my home. The common factor there is MY. I am the only one responsible for keeping my words in my head instead of letting them flow from my fingers.
I'm participating in Nanowrimo this month. But, the fact is, I've only signed up and announced my November novel. I wrote day one and two. I did not even reach the word count goal for day one. I wrote on an old project, blaming it for not caring for my Nano. I started four blog entries that were little more than three words each and then poured a cup of coffee waiting for the WiFi signal to fail me.
I need to write. I need to honor the people who actually read my words. But, I feel small now. I feel the impact of what i have to say is either little in the way of importance or nothing at all.
I have been reading a book about a novelist who feels guilt about not writing his fiction because the non-fiction of his life has gotten in the way. I do not have that. I am a lump on my sofa. Maybe I am a lump of the sofa. Maybe i am an ugly growth on this, once lovely and comfortable, piece of furniture.
I'm going to write today. I am going to get some words from thoughts strung together so someone other than I may read them. I am not going to compose a welcome email to the new name that found it's way through the world wide web. I am not going to distract from the word count. (I never stress over word count and I usually don't outline, but i have a total outline and just need to pull it together for the numbers.)
I think that's all, i'm just going to write. And maybe later today, I will update the fiction page here so it makes more sense, and add the play I've wanted to add for a while. -- when i need a distraction again.